FROM THE CLOSET.....WASTED YEARS

Never wish to be whom or what you are not until you have the opportunity to get there. My name is Godswill and last son in the family of eight. Three boys and five girls I was told that my parents wanted to have only three children but in their search for a male child, they ended up having eight of us. My brothers and I were the last three. My parents were not too well to do, I guess they would have managed well enough if they had only three children they wanted to have but not. Their hunger for a male child over took them as a result, life was a struggle for us. I love my parents and siblings but I refused to accept why we lived the way we were living, managing in every situation, I felt even worse when my friends seem to have it all I felt so ashamed of myself each time we gathered and I seem to be the only one that don’t have excited stories to tell about family outings holidays and celebrations. At times I cursed life for bringing me into a family of mine haaa..Those people that seem to enjoy life better don’t have two heads naaaah or do they? So rather than being contented with the little life has offered me, I buried myself in envy of others I couldn’t lay my hands on.My brothers and sisters were doing lot better than me. They accepted life and things seem to be moving well for them. Anybody seeing them would think they were faced with better circumstances. I couldn’t understand how they could be so relaxed and contended with the very very little. I fell out with them not minding that they were all older than me, they ignored me , other times they taught me the lesson of my life , sometimes they allow me calm down ,sat me down and advised me on the better parts of life and being content with what I had . At times I get very sober for all the advice but two or three days afterwards however I went back to usual self, my parents and siblings kept on trying to make make me a better person but all fell on deaf ears so they gave up on me . I became the black sheep of the family .I joined bad gangs in school and did all manner of bad things I never believed I could do , in attempt to be seen as the happening guy it somehow worked out for me back then I got any girl I set out to get and owned a lot of things i never imagined I could have, now, don’t even begin to ask me how I managed. The climax was my part three in school, I was convinced by one of our gang members to drop out of school and travel out of the country that it would be a lot better for us. The thought of leaving the country excited me so much I didn’t give it a thought, all that matters to me was that I would also tell stories about going abroad as my friends from rich families’did way back. The guy that deceived me was from a rich family, he managed to prepare our document , I didn’t bother to tell my parents and siblings because I knew they would discourage me . However as soon as I arrived the united states and settled down , I called home , they were shocked to hear what I did, I hung up on them before y the last thing I heard was my mum screaming at the background I regretted calling them so I vowed never ever to called them again until I made it big in the USA. Did I make it? hahahaha of course not , we wasted six years of our lives out there, we couldn’t get a decent job , we couldn’t even live the kind of reckless life we lived back in Nigeria. My friend didn’t seem to mind but by the time we spent an additional two years , I gave my life a thought ,I then realized that all my parents and siblings told me were true and done out of love . I strayed, missing home, I told my friend that it was time to go back home and start all over again but he wouldn’t hear of it. We started having series of dis agreement, eventually we parted ways. I did all kinds of menial jobs to save up to go back home , when I finally came back to Nigeria my parents and siblings were all excited and surprised to see me they already lost hope of my coming again. My mum was gradually turning into a vegetable because of me. I was told that she has a weak heart and high blood pressure; I fell on my knees and begged for forgiveness, however I couldn’t bring myself together to tell them that the 8 years I spent abroad was a wasted. I made them believe that I was done with school I then needed a good job. My brother asked for my certificate to see how he could help but I told him that I forget my certificate in the USA but that my friend would bring it while coming back home. He has been disturbing me ever since and I have giving him series of excuses, I can’t think of telling them the truth now because they are all so proud of what I made them believe I had become. I planned on forging a certificate and do whatever it takes to make them believe that I am their lost but found brother. The truth is, honestly I am so confused right now. How do I handle the situation where do I start from, where do I go from here?